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meditations

—0830pm—

the psychological aspect of being a founder is so tough. im alone, carving my own path. my other friends don’t really understand. was left on read by ski team friends when trying to gauge interest in winter break trip, david feng seemed a bit disengaged during our call sunday - ski team friends feel a bit distant now. hometown friends, I’ve grown in different directions - they don’t see the same vast opportunities I do, and still caught up in their old limiting beliefs, overly sarcastic and sometimes over the top banter that gets old, draining my intellectual curiousities the more time i spend. my childhood best friend not really giving much gratitutde for me spending 1.5 hours giving him a private tennis lesson - only superficial and not perceiving the deepness of it. also a draining conversation with a friend on friday who is in bad part of life (understandable, he has tough personal circumstances) and im spend 3 hours extra trying to help him through and brainstorm solutions - but he doesn’t receive any of my advice. its not internalizing and refuses to take advice and keeps complaining.

it also hurts me posting on instagram, but only getting 3 comments or no likes on my linkedin post at all.

yeah, im practicing non-detachment. I’ve come a long way from caring what people think. however, i’m putting so much signal and energy out into the world, but not yet feeling it reciprocated. i feel exhausted, a bit rejected and questioning the strength and basis and values some my prior relationships were built on.

also, i don’t have any major job leads - its this uncertainty on all fronts - personal, social, professional - and not knowing if its going to work that is so excruciating about crafting your own life. however, i don’t see any other way. its just the way i am and my nature. i’ve tried myh best to fit to these groups, but it ultimately takes me back to where i am.

water collects at the bottom of the basin. but the most direct, aligned path is through bedrock. there is no turning back. i need to trust, stay present and keep going - no matter how slow or how long.

—0800pm— i executed today - talked to emma, texted brian, talked to paul, and posted on linkedin. these were the absolutely non-negotiables which I completed. paul was onboard and welcomed my suggestions, enabling me to own this project. super proud i stayed razor sharp focus, but now drained of all my energy. i felt sad, that the result wasn’t as anticipated for more signal/promise on my insurance idea. my ICP is inaccessible and might now need it.

however, posted on linkedin but no responses. also talked to emma, and she doesn’t use linkedin much - its not high ROI bc she gets leads through in-person networking like BNI. my tech value proposition isn’t strong enough. also, very few Gen-Z insurance agents because young adults on parent’s insurance until 26 - wrong demographic. i told emma id help her build internet SEO for inbound leads, but even that feels like high energy cost.

doesn’t quite feel right. i’m absolutedly drained end of today. head hurts, had to completely disconnect.

i executed everything and achieved excellence. however, i had to push myself to mental boundaries. next time, i won’t overinvest into one conversation. instead, keep it light, strategically conserve energy consstantly and let universe show you where to lean in. it feels like i’m stuck now, back to square one since my hypotheses about Emma/Gen-Z insurance agents being distribution channels were disproven today. My GTM would be too much resistance.

i try obsessing, focusing on the process. but the prospects of building a tech, ai-enabled startup potenital solution seem to be throttled by this.

How would delta force, zen samuari, and other highly-respected operators, practioners approach this? people with similar wavelengths, the innovators, misfits, creatives and visionaries?

what’s the point of all this life? meaning is found in the struggle, the unknown, the uncertainty. pushing the boundaries of what’s possible.

obsession beats talent in the long run. believe in the vision. feel the lows, and ride the highs.

operate intuitively, every detail matters. every ounce of energy invested towards the dream, could be your last.

make it count.

where do we go now? you’ve gone all in further than you’ve ever gone.

but only despair seems to sing late into the night.

everything feels like a waste squandered alternatives nothing to show.

where is the next step? sink back into coziness or step forward with faith?

no matter how slow you still move forward and if persistence is the norm imagine the outliers.